Ranting........

Today seems like another day wasted. Well, actually it was another day wasted. Even though The day just seemed empty. Why am I breathing? Why am I here? No, I'm not suicidal... I just want something more in my life. I want someone who is a true friend...someone who has the time to listen to me...someone who wants to hear what is in my heart...someone who isn't always focused on themselves and can see when I am hurting. I want someone to love...all around me are people who have that special someone in their lives...and then there is Sonya. I feel so left out at times...especially when I hear of all the couples getting together doing things...and I wasn't invited. I understand the whole married couples bounding time cause they are all going through the same things and can hang out together...but don't forget about the single people or person in this situation. I still like going to the movies, I still like going to others' houses to hang out and watch T.V. I know that Jesus can fulfill all of the needs and desires in my life. Why is it so hard for me to turn to Him? Why is it so hard for me to let him step into those places in my life? There have been some pretty dark days in my past where I allowed Jesus to be those roles in my life...why can't I turn to Him now? I hear Him calling me...but I turn the other way. I hate this constant struggle that I have with this. I so need to get back to my program. Did I not learn anything going through rehab? I know...Zach was in rehab...but we had to go through a lot of it as a family...I had a lot of classes and healing sessions that I went through...not to deal with what was going on with Zach...but to deal with what is going on with me? Through all of this ranting...I hear God remind me of what he started several years ago... Why is it so hard for me to let go and let God take over and be there for me when no one else is...even myself?????????????