Frustrated

I have been told all my life that I would make a great wife. I am the type of person that a man would want to marry...not just date. This has been what guys have told me over and over throughout the years. I came to the conclusion that this meant that because I wasn't a toothpick and I wasn't the type to just "give" myself to men...that I wasn't any fun to date. That once the guy started to settle down and look for a woman of quality....then he would find me. Do I like or agree this concept...no. But, it is what guys have told me over and over. So, I came to peace with that is the way life is and okay...when it is my turn, it'll happen. Well, now I look around and all the males of quality, lol, have settled down...and here I am, alone.


Yesterday I was reading a blog entry from a friend of mine who is married and has children. They experienced a crisis with one of their children over the weekend. She was explaining that through the whole event how her husband was right there with her, being a rock to lean on. She talked about how she is so blessed to have him in her life and have him as a partner. She was able to lean on him and he was a huge support during the crisis. Now, I have been dealing with wanting to be married and have kids for awhile now. I am to the point where I'm ready to enter that stage of my life. Kids...eventually, in a few years after marriage...but definitely finding my partner in life. Reading my friend's blog only brought those feelings up again and stronger. All day yesterday I had all those emotions and thoughts running through my head, how I want to be married, how I want that connection with someone, how I want that partner in my life, I want to love someone else unconditionally, to be connected spiritually and emotionally, to support someone and have them reciprocate that support. I believe whole heartedly that we are created in a way that we need that type of relationship and that is why marriage was introduced by God. So, here I am with all the thoughts...and then.... J comes along. Now, I am going to call him J because he doesn't like it when I write about him. So, I'm just going to call him J. J is a friend who I talk to from time to time. He is not American and we discuss a lot of things that he doesn't quite understand about Americans and the way we think or do things...so he asks me questions from time to time. J is known for being a bit arrogant and sometimes comes across as a jerk. I actually tell him all the time that he is being a jerk. He hasn't realized, yet, that you can't be so frank with Americans. They don't take frankness so well...you are supposed to sugar coat things or don't say anything at all unless you are asked directly your opinion. LOL. So, last night I was on yahoo messenger checking things out...seeing if there was anyone interesting to chat with while I waited for my parents to get home from the road. And J was signed on. He had been in India and I wanted to find out if he made it back alright and so we started to chat. He was concerned about a relationship that he is in at the moment and wanted to know how he should break up with her. So, let me set it up for you....the girl is a little over a year older than him and has dense boobs that apparently are no fun to play with (TMI, I know). So, he isn't so sure about her as wife material and would like to move on. This girl has done so much to make him happy that I actually feel sorry for her because she is doing so much for him and it isn't good enough....for example she has lost somewhere around 20 lbs so that she will be closer to her BMI, J is adamant about because he doesn't want to have to pay healthcare costs for an overweight wife. She has learned how to cook Indian food and has begun to learn a lot about the culture. And, J has used the L word. Which I told him is a dangerous word and must be used carefully? He throws it around a lot. For example, he has told me that he loves me. (We have never even met in person.) However, I'm not good enough either for him to date...and this is where I'm getting at. So, I told him that he obviously doesn't want to be in the relationship with this girl because he hasn't done anything for her...she is doing all the work and compromising in the relationship. That when you are serious about someone there is an equal partnership. Well, anyways...he made the following statements to explain his reasoning for not wanting to be with her or who he should be with:



1. "I don't want to date any girl who is not in demand in mainstream American culture."

2. "if you look around you will feel that most of the time American men don't date big ladies aka bbw"

3. "why should I date those girls who are rejects by main stream American men"

4. " if I have more will power and goals than most of my American counterpart, should I have a woman prettier than they have?"



There are a lot of things with wrong with this viewpoint. However, I will not rant about everything that is wrong with these statements. I am going to leave that to you to ponder upon. However, he then turned this conversation around to me personally...and here is how he proceeded....

" I don't want to hurt your feelings. But the only reason you are single is because you are like 100lbs above the mark. Had it not be the case, you would be chasing down your toddlers by now and living happily ever after. I have dated a lot of BBW and what I see that most of the time they end up with losers like foreigners with no immigration status, education, or work. We can take your example, you ended up dating all foreigners and none of them stayed with you. You can say that you like dark meat and accept your fate but it is not true. (You can believe this is true) it is a good way not to be worried. Bottom line is that big fat women are not really welcomed in the main stream American society and they end up marrying or having kids with African American or Mexicans. It is a face and I don't have any intention of offending you. I want to set my standard to normal. If I can outperform many Americans, then why should I not get a woman better than their women?"

Wow. After all my feelings throughout the day and then to end the day with that kind of statement. And, I'm sure that the guys, "foreigners", that I have dated would love to take a stab a J because they all have been extremely educated with great jobs. Plus, I was that ended it with all of them...not vice versa. They still try to come around for time to time. But, all that put aside..... all I can say is REALLY? That was a little much for me yesterday. I know I'm big....always have been. I don't like it....but, not a whole lot more than I can do about except add a little more exercise to my regimen..... I guess starvation is always an option.