Such a long way....

The last few months has definitely been a battle for me. I picked this music video because it really sums up what I've had to do the last few months. I've had to say goodbye to love, lust, ideas, beliefs, values, dreams, friends, ideals... though some of these choices were full of heartache, some were filled with relief. I have changed my way of thinking about many issues. Some of the things I have fought with every ounce of my being...but in the end I realized that I have such a long long way to go. I have to walk away from some things that I have allowed to grab hold of me and make a home in my life. In order to be who I want to be, who I am destined to be, who I should be...I have to make those hard choices. I wish that someone in particular that I had to let go, could of stayed with...but I can't make choices or change the hearts of another. Though I am still struggling with this one...I have gotten control of most of my emotional sanity and life in regards to this person. He is the love of my life...but you can't make someone love you back. I am now still working on this one particular issue in my dreams. Nightly I have dreams that basically involve me sobbing and feeling complete rejection from this person. It occurs in various venues and with one particular person always consoling me. I'm not sure how long it will take me to work through this...wish it would all stop.

I've got to move on in so many other areas of my life... and it will happen. Just like the video that I posted a couple of posts back called "My Declaration". It is so my anthem. I have to do what I need to do for myself. I have to accept that this is not being selfish but being a realist to what needs to happen to create my future.

I look forward to what is to come. I just have to get over this sickness. I have had mono for the past three weeks and have been out of work. The mono has caused hepatitis. I can't go back to work until my fever goes away so I won't be so easily contagious. I'm not all that contagious to adults because most people have been exposed to this virus in their lifetime...but not everyone gets the symptoms from it. Lucky me. So, I'm am even more ready to get out and start my new life after being stuck in the house for several weeks. Bring it on.