Good Night Forever….
First, no I am not suicidal. Well, let me rephrase that…I was in a sense.
It all started with watching the movie The Mysterious Case of Benjamin Button about a month ago and it had some quotes in there that got me thinking about what was going on in my life. Here are two of the quotes:
“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can swear and curse the fates, but in the end, you have to let go.”
“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit…start whenever you want…you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
My life has taken a wrong turn somewhere. I have found that my life is not what I want it to be. My priorities, my dreams, my interests, everything is not what I want it to be. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately. To be completely honest, I have hit a deep depression that I try my best to cover up. There are many facets of my life that make me depressed….but it all boils down to, I have allowed myself to become someone that I’m not and my priorities are all out of wack.
I’m the kind of independent person to go and do things on my own. However, somehow I have turned into this needy person that I don’t recognize. This person that is so dependent on others she can’t function unless she is surrounded by people. This is not me. I don’t know how I have become this person…but that needs to change. Sure, I cherish being with my friends whom I love…having dinner with them, going to get togethers, going to concerts, and trips. BUT, I can do these things on my own. My friends are all in serious relationships or are married and they would rather spend their free time with that person than with me…even though that might leave me alone…that doesn’t mean I need to stop living. Plus, I’m never alone…Jesus is there with me…I just need to stop looking him over and reconnect.
The other day I read this quote: “It is good to fall a few times, get hurt, stand up again – to go astray a few times. There is no harm. The moment you find you have gone astray, come back. Life has to be learned through trial and error.” And, well….I have gone astray. My priorities are out of line. It’s time to “have strength to start over again.”
I was watching TV on Thursday night and I can’t remember if it was actually something that was said in the show or if something in the show just triggered the thought “Good night forever”….but that is what kept going over and over in my head. Good night forever…not to take my literal life. But, to put my “life” to death and start over. I need a renewal of spirit, a renewal of mind…so….it’s taken a few days to get my mind going in the right direction… I’m still not there. It’s a battle to change all of these negative thoughts going through my head. Thoughts that I know are not real and not true about me, others, my life, etc. However, if I’m going to be happy and healthy. I have to renew my mind and rebuild and strengthen my spirit. I know that this entry doesn’t fully explain everything that I’m feeling and what is going on with me….but it kind of explains what I meant by good night forever. I didn’t mean for it to make people worry about me. That was not my intent. So, I’m trying to kill off the Sonya that ya’ll know and get back to my core…who I really am. Therefore, I’m saying “good night forever” to that Sonya….and allow the real Sonya to slowly awaken.
First, no I am not suicidal. Well, let me rephrase that…I was in a sense.
It all started with watching the movie The Mysterious Case of Benjamin Button about a month ago and it had some quotes in there that got me thinking about what was going on in my life. Here are two of the quotes:
“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went, you can swear and curse the fates, but in the end, you have to let go.”
“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit…start whenever you want…you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life that you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
My life has taken a wrong turn somewhere. I have found that my life is not what I want it to be. My priorities, my dreams, my interests, everything is not what I want it to be. I’ve been doing a lot of reflection lately. To be completely honest, I have hit a deep depression that I try my best to cover up. There are many facets of my life that make me depressed….but it all boils down to, I have allowed myself to become someone that I’m not and my priorities are all out of wack.
I’m the kind of independent person to go and do things on my own. However, somehow I have turned into this needy person that I don’t recognize. This person that is so dependent on others she can’t function unless she is surrounded by people. This is not me. I don’t know how I have become this person…but that needs to change. Sure, I cherish being with my friends whom I love…having dinner with them, going to get togethers, going to concerts, and trips. BUT, I can do these things on my own. My friends are all in serious relationships or are married and they would rather spend their free time with that person than with me…even though that might leave me alone…that doesn’t mean I need to stop living. Plus, I’m never alone…Jesus is there with me…I just need to stop looking him over and reconnect.
The other day I read this quote: “It is good to fall a few times, get hurt, stand up again – to go astray a few times. There is no harm. The moment you find you have gone astray, come back. Life has to be learned through trial and error.” And, well….I have gone astray. My priorities are out of line. It’s time to “have strength to start over again.”
I was watching TV on Thursday night and I can’t remember if it was actually something that was said in the show or if something in the show just triggered the thought “Good night forever”….but that is what kept going over and over in my head. Good night forever…not to take my literal life. But, to put my “life” to death and start over. I need a renewal of spirit, a renewal of mind…so….it’s taken a few days to get my mind going in the right direction… I’m still not there. It’s a battle to change all of these negative thoughts going through my head. Thoughts that I know are not real and not true about me, others, my life, etc. However, if I’m going to be happy and healthy. I have to renew my mind and rebuild and strengthen my spirit. I know that this entry doesn’t fully explain everything that I’m feeling and what is going on with me….but it kind of explains what I meant by good night forever. I didn’t mean for it to make people worry about me. That was not my intent. So, I’m trying to kill off the Sonya that ya’ll know and get back to my core…who I really am. Therefore, I’m saying “good night forever” to that Sonya….and allow the real Sonya to slowly awaken.
1 comment:
you are a strong, resilient woman. i am proud of you.
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