Drift

Treasures lost, love dies.

Lack of intention allows drift.

Fading to black, hurts. 

Do not do the same.        

Remind daily, choose to hold.

Before it is gone. 

Evolution Vs. Creation

This is a great interview.  However, one thing that I don't like is how Mr. Ham only represents one view of what christians believe.  Couldn't God create things with age...like Adam and Eve wasn't created as an embryo...so couldn't the world be created with age.  For God, time is relative.  A 1,000 years here on Earth could be a day for him.  God is above and beyond time.  He's outside of time.  Ham debates from a young earther....but there are many christians who are old earthers. Nye, whom I love watching his shows as a science teacher, shows that no one knows all the answers.  And, well we aren't God.  Can't we just stick with the evidence and facts and trust that God is God and can use any means to do whatever he desires... evolution, big bang, time warps...you get my drift.

Voices

Dark voices,
voices,
voices,
voices, voices, voices.
Somersaults, flip flops, catapults
twisting,
twisting,
twisting, twisting, twisting.
Memories replayed over,
over,
over,
over, over, over.
Torment.
Create in me a clean heart, oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.

Nick of Time

The story of Abraham and Isaac in Genesis 22 was shared today in segue at church. And, the lady made a point that I hadn't ever thought about with this story. Most of the time when this passage is talked about, it is talked about in reference to giving everything sacrificially to God and holding nothing back. Trusting in God to provide for you in the moment when we put everything on the line. He will come through. But, today the point was brought up on how in tune Abraham was with God's voice. How he was paying attention to God....what if he wasn't paying complete attention. What if he was walking in those steps...but then was caught up in the situation and in his own head and not listening for full instructions from God with every step. Abraham had to be really in tune, in synched with knowing God's voice...so that at the last moment he was paying attention to see God's guidance and provision. This was a whole new perspective and point to me. How often to I get so busy and caught up that I only listen and pay attention to God when I am making the appointment with him....but do I recognize when he speaks and guides in those critical moments....or am I so caught up in my strife to even pay attention or recognize Him.

Dreamer

For a dream comes with much business, and a fool's voice with many words. For when dreams increase and words grow many, there is vanity; but God is the one you must fear. (Ecclesiastes 5:3, 7 ESV)

I have so many dreams that I've allowed to get in my head. I hold on to what I want...I hold on to what I see could happen...would be beautiful..... but dreams, do they have a place. When do our dreams become distractions from where God wants us to be.... when do they get in the way of allowing God to provide the best for us....

I am a dreamer. Don't want to let it go. But, I need to.

Things to Remember

I am worth the wait.
I am worth the respect.
I am worth to be understood.
I am worth to be listened to.
I am worth to be made safe.
I am worth it all.
I am a child of God, I should live that way.
I am a child of God, I should follow his way.
I am a child of God, more precious than anything.
I am a child of God, loved, adored, protected, provided for.
I am a child of God, beautifully created.
I am a child of God, made holy and pure.
Pure. Live a pure life.
Don't cut yourself short.
Pure. Live a holy life.
Don't disconnect from the source.
Pure. Live a righteous life.
Don't give in to the less than...you were meant for so much more.

This Heart of Mine

Where do you go when your heart belongs somewhere that it cannot be? What do you do with a heart that belongs to someone else...but, that door has been closed? How do you move on from that? How do you make it let go of someone it is refusing to release?
This is what I'm dealing with. I've pushed myself back out into the dating pool. It's not where I want to be. I can't look for romance, yet. That would be way to difficult. But, I am trying to at least make myself get out there and make connections.
I went on my first date today in a long, long time. It was supposed to be meeting as friends...someone to hike with, see movies, etc. But, the guy had a few more things on his fun things to do list that I'm not ready for.
But, it did feel good to be kissed again. Yeah...I did let that happen. That's probably where I went wrong. So, guess maybe the pushiness at the end of the date is my fault. I didn't stop him from kissing me.
I was there today. However, my heart was not. My heart will never be ready to move on. It found it's home, it's place of belonging. I am okay with my heart being a nomad. I'm okay with my heart staying true to it's owner... but, how do I make the rest of me move on without it. Is it possible?
Some say the solution is to disconnect from the owner completely. I would die. Every part of me would utterly die. He is the person I care about and rely on more than anyone other than Jesus. He's my best friend. He is my person. But, even if he decided that is what is best (cause I would never make that decision, its not what is best for me)...that wouldn't change a thing with my heart.
I know the door for us is closed. It would take a lot of things to happen for that door to ever be opened and it would have to be a miracle from God on so many levels. So, it's not that i"m not accepting of our circumstance or not willing to comply. I am. My heart doesn't care, on the other hand. It has found it's home.
So, as I'm making these steps...small, small baby steps into the dating pool again. How do I deal with this heart of mine?

Sleep Apnea

Since I'm a trucker....and I'm fat....I must have sleep apnea. So my company sent me for a sleep study...

This was the first night..... batteries died in the night...... sooooooo

This was the second night...... NO SLEEP APNEA!!
I'm just a big woman. :p

Heard It through The Grapevine

There are some things that are not to be heard through third parties.  Some things that shouldn't travel to you through the grape vine.
Apparently, I am to be an aunt.
Two days later...I'm finally told by the brother.
Yeah, that feels good.

We're Not Dating

We're Not Dating: 
You don't think that I don't know that we aren't dating.
You came home from a trip, gave the best missed you hug and kiss...was loving all the way to my house to talk about something that happened over the weekend away. You told me then not to worry about it, that everything was ok. But, you had to be away from apartment to talk to me, couldn't let roommate be around for some reason. You tell me that she asked why ya'll weren't getting married.....discussed all night and through tears I told you that if I didn't let you see if it worked with your first love that you would resent me for the rest of your life. More discussion, more tears. Next day after you get off work, more discussion, more tears. Results, you broke up with me to fight to marry another woman. You begged me to stand beside you and help you deal with it all....fighting families, miles apart, figuring it out. You couldn't live without me around. You can't be strong on your own. You needed your best friend.
I asked what was I supposed to do, sit here and help you...forget that I just lost the love of my life...the one I was talking marriage with...and help him try to get his family to approve him to marry another woman.
I stayed. You mean too much to me, I loved you too much to walk away. I shut myself down. I ripped out my shredded bleeding heart to help hold your's together.
I would be on the phone encouraging you after a long fight with your family. Be there listening to you cry on the phone with her. Give you hugs, cook dinners, encourage you with scripture, write a letter to your family..... and then as soon as I was alone....cry, cry, cry.
We're Not Dating...you say to me.
No, I know that better than anyone. For over a year, I have been putting myself back together. You said I could talk to you about what I'm going through, you said that you will help me heal...like I helped you throughout the whole bickering with family and the final decision for all parties to walk away...I was there for you. But, whenever I had feelings or had to deal with my heartbreak....you told me I was over emotional, need to get over it, get mad and say we're spending too much time together since I couldn't stop loving you. You're my best friend, I need you...can't let you walk away because of my feelings and my heartbreak...have to hide it all and deal with it all on my own.
Long hours working on the road....no music, every song is a love song that reminds me of you. Or every song is about some unrequited love that hits to close to home. Or every song is about the heartbreak and the healing. Those all hit too close to home. Or they talk about sex and make me horny and long for you again....and well, that's not allowed. So...no music. So, 24 hours of talk radio or books on tape....even those books on tape were risky things. Several had to be turned off because the same reasons I couldn't listen to music. No romantic movies, either. Too painful. Still don't watch much of that...too painful and now I'm cynical.
We're Not Dating...you actually say this to me.
Been a year and a half now and the last year of that part has been good. I finally gotten to a good healing place. Only had a few times of weakness that I've tried to come to you about, mistake...had to shut it down and deal with it on my own. I've been able to listen to music again recently....only cry during a few songs here and again. Finally come to terms that you are my best friend and will never be more. Family will never approve. You won't ever cross that line for me. I finally accept this. Only leave a shred of hope, because after all I did choose you....though I'll never be chosen back. You are the love of my life and I will never love another more. But, you are my best friend...only and you won't ever choose me to be more. And I'm okay with that, I've accepted this and nothing I can do to change it. But, we're at such a good place.
Then I get emotional for whatever the reason might be and I show you some of my ugly side of insecurity, afraid of rejection, feelings of being pushed aside, feelings of inferiority.... and you say to me, "we're not dating".
Wow, well here's the bottom line... I know that cold hard fact better than anyone. You dropped me one day and moved on the next. Left me bleeding. But, don't worry...I healed on my own. I have scars but, I'm not bleeding anymore. I've managed to stay close and to continue to build our friendship. We've managed to keep a beautiful friendship alive, strong, and thriving. I have stayed and supported you through the most horrific time of my life...I pushed my own needs down and away to support you, be there for you.... so if I get a little emotional...which by the way has nothing to do with us not dating....then deal with it. Deal with my crazy, psycho, emotional self....she only comes out once every couple of months....and that emotional mess is about me, not you. Though you are usually the closest around to me, so it comes out on you. And I say deal with it. Communicate with me. Talk it out with me. Like we did today....
But don't ever, ever say to me again...."We're not dating"
I am more than just some girl you are dating. I should be worth more than some girl you just dating to get your kicks with temporarily, since long term isn't an option. I'm worth more of your concern and energy and time...I'm your best friend. That should mean a whole heck of a lot. I'm family. That should mean a whole heck of a lot more. So, when I'm going through something...or upset about something....or being clingy....or moody....or whatever, help me...be there....talk it through with me....don't make threats that you don't want to talk with me cause i'm moody, or not spend time together cause I'm being needy... or whatever... seriously...you say shit like that to your best friend. No, you communicate more and get to the bottom of what is going on....and never say that shit to me again.
No, we're not dating...we're family.